So yesterday, I had another conversation in the teacher workroom. (I am thankful that there are only three more days of school). The topic of a co-workers baby shower came up and having babies. I said, "I'm having a baby," to which came the reply, "It's not from your body, so it doesn't count." Now, this comment was supposedly a joke; even if it is a joke, it is inappropriate. The comment has been ringing in my head.
Then today we got an update from our agency about a new step in the process. We haven't had a chance to talk to our case worker about this change. The change does have to do with how the US is processing paperwork, so it shouldn't effect our referral. Still I wonder, will there ever be an end? Will something always come up? Another obstacle/hoop to go through? (depending on your point of view).
Also today was my co-worker's baby shower. I don't think I like going to baby showers right now. Several people mentioned that I was next and to think of all the free stuff I would get. I just shrugged and half-smiled because I knew other people in the room had different opinions (not from my body). Anyway, it was just too much for me to deal with. I am happy that my co-worker is getting to end of her pregnancy, but at the same time I am frustrated that more things keep coming up for Scott and I to go through. When is enough enough?
So, I decided to go for a run when I got home from work to relieve some of the stress. I checked the weather and decided it wasn't too hot and took Shiner with me. He looked like this when we got home.
I think he got a little hot. While we were running, I was listening to my iPod, and an old song came on "Redeemer" by Nicole C. Mullens. I listened to this song several times and even sang aloud outside. I decided my neighbors could handle it. :) Anyway, I thought the song was a helpful reminder of the big picture - that no I'm not in control and I can't change things, but there is someone in control - God. I put the song on the post in case you needed a reminder like me. Enjoy!
So once again, I found myself in a conversation with co-workers. This week's focus was different - not as serious. One co-worker made the comment, "You'll be a mom without the stretch marks." I said, "Yes, I will. Which is causing me to question my swimsuits? Do I need to be more conservative and wear a tankini or do I still wear the bikini?" She just kind of looked me like I was crazy, but I'm serious. Many women go through this mom change with their clothes. I have focused on just whether or not to change the swimsuit. I decided that this summer I will still wear the bikini while I can; I also said this to my co-worker. :) She said, "Either way it gets you whether its gravity or from kids." I'm glad I have that to look forward to; we'll see what happens next summer!
The above title was a comment made to me about a week ago, and I have not been able to let it go. I was in the workroom during my lunch, and the topic of giving birth came up. A group of women can be pretty graphic about this. I turned to the expecting mother in the room and said sarcastically, "Good luck with all that." This earned the response, "Yeah, you chose the easy way out." Now, I'm not saying that my sarcastic comment was the best, but nonetheless, I said it. My mouth does have the tendency to get me in trouble.
I have mulled over this "easy way out" for a week. I find that using the word easy to describe an adoption process is preposterous. At the moment Scott and I submitted our foreign dossier, we were met with signing a Risk Agreement. Submitting our foreign dossier felt like such an accomplishment. We would be waiting for our child, but not exactly. The day the call came about the Risk Agreement brought with it a lot of doubt about us finishing the process. Our social worker felt pretty sure that we were not going to make it through the process in time. Unfortunately, I got this call at work in the middle of my lunch. I immediately left the room and ran into my supervisor's office. I fell apart and asked to leave for the day, after which I drove to Scott's office. We didn't know what to make of all of this. We read over the Risk Agreement, and it said some pretty scary things. We decided to wait until we were both home to review it some more. After dinner, we looked at the Agreement again and started to go through the checklist. We felt pretty good about it, except for the scary things - things we didn't want to have to deal with. We decided to leave it for the next morning, and I decided to take off the next day. (This was my co-teacher's idea. He saw my state before I left and told me not to come back the next day. This was good advice.) In the morning we signed everything and turned it in to the agency. This was our baby, and we wanted to do everything we could to unite he or she with us. (We have heard from fellow adoptive parents that have had to sign similar forms. It has always been encouraging to know that people have walked before us and support us.)
After that emotional day, we just existed. We continued to hear about the unlikelihood of us finishing. From February to April, we heard this repeatedly. We were told to pick another country or make a backup plan. We felt like we were told we were going to fail and never meet our baby, nevermind the fact that we already called it our baby. This was a very difficult period for us. I remember being in tears nearly every time I took a shower or drove to work. These were the times I was most vulnerable and where my thoughts and prayers would wander. I unabashedly told God that we wanted this child. We really wanted this, but if it wasn't His will, then I would accept that also. This was my inner struggle for three months. I felt like I kept it at bay and under control most of the time. I didn't really want to share what was going on inside of me, in my heart.
Fortunately for my stubborn self, I had a bible study group at my house. One evening, I guess I couldn't keep it in. I let everything out. The biggest question that scared me was, "What if we were wrong?" I also wondered, "What if this is hard because this isn't God's will?" (Now, I can see how ridiculous this was.) I still remember the response. "Annie, don't say that. It breaks my heart to hear you say that. Anyone can read your blog and know that you are seeking God and following His will." Those words were so encouraging to me. I had been so reluctant to reach out for help, but there it was ready and waiting.
I was able to handle my emotions a little better after this. About three weeks ago we received an email from our agency about the DOS warnings and updates. It took another week and a half for our agency to sort out all the information and confirm what Scott and I thought. We were going to be OK. We would get to finish the adoption process. We have lived with this reality for three weeks, but it still has not sunk in. I still can't believe. I tell people, and they get really excited, which confuses me. We lived with the prospect of losing our baby so long that we weren't prepared for the reality of getting a baby. We didn't get excited. We just felt like we could breathe a little sigh of relief ... but not a whole one. I have guarded my heart so tightly that it is taking other people's joy to break through. Don't worry; we are getting there.
So anyway, all this to say, that though I will not experience any birthing pains, this has not been an easy process. But God has brought us this far, and He will take us the rest of way.
So I wrote these thoughts before the beginning of our festive weekend...
So, the month of May is a pretty big month for my family this year of 2008. I have four birthdays, one graduation, and two mother’s day cards to buy. I’m not really fond of the sappy cards. I usually buy something poking fun at the intended receiver.
As I perused, the card aisles at Target, I notice the Mother’s Day cards. One that particularly caught my eye was the Mother-to-Be card. What graphic do you think is on the card? The silhouette of a pregnant woman. Two years ago, this site would not have phased me, however, since the Mother’s Day of 2006, my husband and have been on an adoption journey.
On this adoption journey, we have become involved with a group called Tapestry. Tapestry is an adoption ministry at our church, Irving Bible Church. One of the small groups I have become involved with is the Moms and Moms-to-Be group. One night in April, we discussed the upcoming event of Mother’s Day. Another mother-to-be and I realized that we were not the social norm of a mother-to-be, which could be awkward on Mother’s Day.
Some churches have their mothers and mothers-to-be stand up. The pregnant mothers are obviously mothers-to-be, but what about me? Do I have the right to stand up? I quickly mouthed off at my mother’s group that I would stand up and show off my flat stomach, but would I really? How many people would look at me? How many people would think I just wasn’t showing yet? Who would actually buy me a mothers-to-be greeting card?
These are the questions I have as Mother’s Day approaches. I don’t know really know how to act on this day. I know what I feel in my heart, but I also know what the established social norms are—the greeting cards say it all. So what is appropriate? I know what I am—a mother-to-be—but what does the world think I am? Does their opinion even matter?
Let me make it clear, I am not looking for sympathy or gifts. I'm just thinking out loud, so anyway...
Now, today is Mother's Day. We have already celebrated two birthdays, one graduation, and one mother. We are on our way to celebrate another birthday and another mother. Our house was party central this weekend. Anyway, on Friday, a co-worker was telling everyone to have a Happy Mother's Day. She looked at me and said, "Well, you'll be a mother in the future," which felt a little bit like acknowledgment. We also asked for an update from our agency on Friday. Our social worker went from feeling "cautiously optimistic" to "optimistic." She now thinks we were right to "hang in there" and wait on Vietnam. I'm glad she is back on our side. :) It was encouraging to get a positive note from our social worker. Then, I came home and watched the end of the Ellen Show. I was a little jealous that she had filled her entire audience with pregnant, expecting mothers, and they kept getting free stuff. I would love some free stuff from Ellen. Maybe I should write her a letter like I wrote the Associated Press, she's probably friendlier. :)
Several you have contacted us about some of the recent articles about Vietnam. Not everything on the internet and in the papers is accurate. We have been reading the US Embassy in Hanoi's website.
We read two dates on the Embassy's website - July 1 and September 1. September 1, 2008 has always been the expiration date of the current agreement between the US and Vietnam, so we have been aware of this for several months. The July 1 date applies to people who have not turned in their foreign dossiers. We turned in our foreign dossier in February, and we have been waiting three months for a referral.
Based on some information for our agencies, we are "cautiously optimistic" that we will complete our adoption. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we are hopeful that we will get a referral early this summer. Now there still could be circumstances beyond our control, so that is why we are still cautious. Basically we are still waiting, but we are feeling a little more confident about completing the process.
Oh and...the Associated Press did not write me back. I'm not suprised. :)
